Scenes from my Surrogacies: A Memoir in the Making

My mother reveled in her role as hostess, so after gleefully meeting and greeting everyone and offering up drinks and appetizers, she returned to the kitchen to finish preparing dinner while my husband and I mingled with our guests.  I had met most of them before as we underwent our treatment cycle and embryo transfer, but the atmosphere at the fertility center lent itself to hushed tones and restrained interactions and children on the premises were highly discouraged.  In fact if someone did happen to show up with a child in tow, any baby bigger than what could be contained (and concealed with a blanket) in a portable car seat, they were immediately ushered into an enclosed, private waiting room down the hall so as not to upset the couples in treatment, still awaiting their own expensive miracles. 

No Offense, But I Don't Want Your Baby

“Oh wow, you were a surrogate mother?” is usually how the conversation opens. Which is usually followed quickly by “How did you get into that?”, a question that leads into this explanation.

Then, nine times out of ten, the very next question that follows is “Isn’t it hard to give up the baby?”

Which I always answer emphatically with “No! It’s not hard at all. In fact in many ways, it’s the easiest part of the whole thing.”

At which point some people think I’m nuts and in need of some psychological help and proceed to tell me that they could never do what I did, which may very well be true. They say (always incredulously) that they could never give up a baby that grew inside their body. To each her own, right? But that’s what makes surrogate mothers so special – they just don’t see it that way.

A woman who decides to carry a baby for another person does not look at it as having to “give up her baby.” Rather, she sees it as “giving back their baby.”  It’s a subtle, but very significant difference.

All women who are gestational carriers have one thing in common – they’ve been through pregnancy and childbirth at least once before, and for most of them, more than once. They know what it feels like to grow a baby, feel it kick and hiccup inside, bond with it, give birth, and hold it for the first time. They know how satisfying it is to finally meet the little person on the outside who’s been growing for nine months on the inside.

Which is exactly what a surrogate mother wants her intended parents to experience for themselves. Having a baby isn’t her motivation, but giving her intended parents their baby is.

Granted, a first-time gestational carrier has a perspective that’s limited to giving birth to her own children and she can never predict, with 100% certainty, how she will feel once she delivers her intended parents’ child.  However, if a woman is acting as a gestational carrier for the right reasons (and thorough psychological screening early in the matching process can help determine this), she will be much more motivated by her intended parents’ experience of meeting and bonding with their baby than her own connection to the child.

Which isn’t to say that a gestational surrogate mother doesn’t enjoy meeting and holding the baby she’s just given birth to – of course she does – that’s only natural. But she knows from the start that it’s her intended parents’ baby, not hers. It was only hers to care for and deliver to them. 

Scenes from my Surrogacies: A Memoir in the Making

The pregnancy test showed up positive.

I was shocked, but at the same time not surprised at all, being a person often ruled more by logic than by impulse. I knew that our Hail Mary sex had been on exactly the right day. I thought back to that early Saturday morning run to the grocery store for picnic supplies and the unexplainable pull to buy the ovulation predictor kits, despite over a year of failure with them. There was no reason to believe that test would help me that day, but yet I bought them anyway.

So here I was, a few weeks past the day my husband and I nearly died on a dangerous river outing, overwhelmed with keeping tabs on two jobs and a home renovation project, living with my in-laws, and pregnant with our first child.

The world works in mysterious ways. 

Chatting About Birth on the Birthful Podcast

There are few things I love more than talking about birth, which shouldn’t be a surprise given the number of times I've been through it!  So when I found the Birthful podcast, I couldn’t get enough of it – there are so many great guests and stories and the host, Adriana Lozado is just lovely.

Recently I had the chance to speak with Adriana herself as a guest on the Birthful podcast.  We had an-depth conversation about – as you can imagine - all things birth. Given that my own birth history includes:

12 children

11 births

9 vaginal births

5 vbacs

5 unmedicated births

4 inductions

4 epidural births

3 water births

2 sets of twins

2 c-sections

2 homebirths

2 miscarriages

1 stillbirth

Clearly we had a lot to talk about!

Not only do we talk about my experience giving birth to my own children, we get into how and why birth as a surrogate mother is just different by nature, and why I made some of the decisions I did specifically because I was a carrying someone else’s child.

It’s an episode full of information and if you haven’t heard the podcast before, you won’t be disappointed (and fair warning, if you enjoy birth-related chat, you might get hooked!). 

You can find the episode on the Birthful website  along with all of the other fascinating previous episodes of the podcast. And thanks so much to Adriana Lozada for having me! 

Scenes from My Surrogacies: A Memoir in the Making

At home I would often lie down on top of my bed during the day not because I was tired (though I was - I was growing twins, on a heavy dose of progesterone which is known to cause sleepiness, working, albeit from my home, and caring for my three children, all under the age of five at the time).

But no, I didn’t lie down to get a few minutes of rest. Instead I would stretch out on my bed and place my hands firmly on my low belly, fingers spread out with the palms of my hands as flat as possible in an attempt to let my brain absorb the reality of the physical miracle I could feel pulsing within me.

When I would lay like this early in the pregnancy, before I could feel any kicks or movement inside or outside of my womb, I would feel so connected to the babies. It was as if there was an infinite current of energy mixed with the accelerant of raw love, formed by the closed circuit between my uterus, my hands which pressed upon it, up through my arms, and into my chest. My heart, my lungs, the steady cadence of my long, slow breaths – the breaths that supplied my uterus with oxygen and carried nutrients to the placenta, which grew the babies. I existed completely as one with these children.

Why I Became a Surrogate Mother

“How did you get into THAT?!?” is usually the first question I’m asked once people find out that I was a surrogate mother. Which is then closely followed by “…and you did it HOW many times?”

Seven times. I carried babies for other couples seven times between 2002 and 2013, and delivered nine surrogate babies (two sets of twins). So obviously I really, really enjoyed it, because who would be crazy enough to go through all that if they didn’t?

Even as a young child, I knew I always wanted children. I was an only child and didn’t much enjoy it, so I knew I wanted to have several children of my own.

When I met my husband-to-be in college, he was just as into the idea of wanting kids as I was (yeah, we were weird, I think it was actually on our first date that we talked about how much we each wanted to have a family).  

We married at age 24 and I started trying to get pregnant around age 25, but it wasn’t happening. I never got my period after going off of birth control pills, and I wasn’t ovulating.  My doctor gave me several rounds of drugs to try to bring on my period, but it never worked, despite all my blood tests being normal.

This was the mid-1990s, which was still the very, very early days of the internet.  There weren’t so much websites at the time as there were “chat groups” based around various interests, so I joined one on infertility in search of information and support in my quest to get pregnant.

It was as a member of this group that I first learned about the idea of surrogacy as a “real’ thing – of course I ‘d heard of it before, but mostly in the context of overly dramatic made-for-TV movies. But through this group, I came to realize that surrogacy was a solution for some infertile couples – nice, seemingly normal couples.

In my own infertility journey, I tried several rounds of Clomid, maxing out on the dosage (and not-so-silently freaking out about conceiving triplets or more), but even still, I was not ovulating.

My husband and I underwent several life changes during that time – a huge job change, selling one house while buying another, moving into my in-law’s house while we renovated the new place, etc.

It was during our last weekend in our own house, after we’d put fertility treatments on hold until our lives stabilized a bit, that we got pregnant. It was the first time I’d ovulated in more than six years. That morning I was at the grocery store and something told me to buy an ovulation predictor kit, even though I’d never had one give me a positive result, ever. When that thing lit up blue that morning, I was telling my husband exactly where to report!

And the rest, as they say, is history.

But it was only the beginning!

I had an easy, uncomplicated pregnancy and I loved every minute of it. Not only was I happy that we were finally having a baby, I couldn’t imagine a better state to be in than pregnancy.

My delivery was easy too, as first deliveries go. It was an induction (my water broke but the contractions didn’t start) that took eight hours, including one hour of pushing.

It was about 15 minutes after my daughter was born that the exhilaration of the experience hit me.  I leaned back in the bed, closed my eyes, and said to my husband “Oh my God, I can’t wait to do that again!” 

A few months later I mentioned to my husband the idea of surrogacy and I told him about what I’d learned from that online infertility group – that there were nice, normal, healthy women who were surrogates for couples in need.  I asked him what he thought about me being a surrogate mother.

“I think you’re crazy,” he said. Really, what else was he supposed to say? This was the summer of 1997.

We had our son in January of 1999 and it was another easy pregnancy and delivery (about 3 hours of contractions and no pushing – I was holding him in so he wouldn’t be born in the hospital elevator). By this time I knew I was meant to be a surrogate mother, so I brought it up to my husband once again.

“Let’s talk about it once our family is complete,” he said.

Five months after my son was born, we conceived our daughter. After another glorious pregnancy, I easily delivered her at home with a midwife, surrounded by family (after my son’s precipitous delivery, we all thought a homebirth was the way to go).

Our family felt utterly complete. I’d had three children in three years and each was an easy, healthy pregnancy and delivery and I’d recovered from each of them quickly.

My husband and I agreed that our family was the perfect size for us, but he also knew how much I wanted to continue to be pregnant and deliver babies. So he agreed that being a surrogate mother was something I should pursue.

Once I finished nursing my youngest child, I interviewed with a local surrogacy agency and was accepted into their program. After screening, I was quickly matched and we were pregnant with twins not long after.

I think what has made surrogacy such a rewarding experience for me is that not only do I get to enjoy pregnancy and childbirth without expanding my family, but I also get to bring joy to couples who often have walked a very painful road.

And it’s a road familiar to me, which makes it extra rewarding. My husband and I were lucky that once I began ovulating, I had no trouble getting pregnant. But during that year and a half when I wasn’t and the future of our family felt very uncertain, it was incredibly stressful and at times, emotionally painful.

Having a gift for healthy pregnancies and deliveries was something I felt compelled to share with others, others who did not have such easy resolutions to their infertility.  Each of the couples I’ve carried for has had their own unique set of medical circumstances and I was able to make their dreams come true.

If you have the ability to make someone’s dreams come true, how could you not?

That’s not a gift I ever took very lightly, and it’s ultimately why I chose to become a surrogate mother. 

Scenes From My Surrogacies - A Memoir In The Making

I felt like the room was spinning out of control while at the same time someone landed a punch in my gut. Nerves were welling up inside me; I knew something was wrong, even though we’d only exchanged pleasantries so far.

She hesitated, then took a long, measured, raspy, breath. Her voice was quiet and  wavering as she said “We’re splitting up.”

I was surprised, yet not entirely shocked. I knew that for her to reach this point - to disrupt the axis of her nuclear family - something really terrible must have happened.

Immediately my mind flooded with one thought - my children. Her children. But my children.

I wanted so badly to ask “How are they doing?” but I could not interrupt her. Not yet, at least.

They are not my children, they never were, and I’m secure in this. But faced with these life-changing events, I wanted fiercely to protect them as if they were.

Sadness took over my heart as wonder buzzed through my brain. I breathed deeply and tried to process this news. She sobbed quietly into the phone, trying to be strong.

She wanted to be strong for herself, she wanted to be strong for her children, and I knew she wanted to be strong for me as well. 

The Creative Ways I Told My Intended Parents "We're Pregnant"

When a woman decides to become a surrogate mother, the vast majority of the time she does it to bring joy to another couple (or sometimes, a single parent). As part of her decision process, she often thinks through what the experience might be like and anticipates the excitement of pregnancy and birth.

She might even have a particular moment in the surrogacy process that she’s most looking forward to. It might be seeing two lines on her home pregnancy test or getting a call with good news from the fertility center, or sharing the baby’s first kicks with her intended parents, or watching her intended mother hold her baby for the very first time.  Of course, all of these moments are incredibly special.

For me, though, the moment I looked forward to most was telling my intended parents that they were expecting. Unlike labor or birth or ultrasounds, sharing the news that I was expecting was a chance to do something creative that would surprise and delight my intended parents, so I always had a lot of fun with it.

So today I thought I’d share with you the various ways I told my intended parents that they were having a baby.

Surrogacy #1

My intended mother taught me a photography printing technique (Polaroid transfer, if you’re curious) while we were in our two-week wait.  Once I got a few days of positive HPTs (home pregnancy tests), I asked the fertility center for an early beta to confirm the pregnancy, but I asked them not to call my IPs until I’d given them a gift.

I photographed a still life of baby items, then printed it using the technique my IM had taught me, signed the print with my name, and called it “Expecting.”  I framed it, then drove to her house during the day (when I knew she’d be at work) and left it in a gift bag on her doorknob.

Surrogacy #2

Again I had an early beta to confirm my positive HPTs. This time I made my intended mother a bracelet that had the baby’s due date on it. I wrapped it up, then drove to my IP’s house and gave it to her. The look on her face when she realized what it meant was spectacular!  She wore it every day throughout the pregnancy until the babies (we had twins) were born.

Surrogacy #3

I was lucky again that my fertility center did an early beta once I got positive home tests. This time I shopped the grocery store for baby-themed food items – baby carrots, baby peas, Prego spaghetti sauce, etc. I filled a gift bag with the items and a handmade card and left it on their doorstep so they would find it when they came home from work. They called me, slightly confused, so I encouraged them to figure out the theme to all of the food. Eventually they got it and were very excited, of course!

Surrogacy #4

OK, this one is a wee bit gross, so be forewarned!

It was around this time (2008) that digital pregnancy tests were first available, and you can imagine what a cool advancement they were HPTs! And I was lucky that my IPs lived about 30 minutes away from me, so I could pull this off.

Back then, the word “Pregnant” on a digital test would display only for a short time – maybe an hour at the very most. Because the tests were so novel, I really wanted them to see the results for themselves, but I also wanted to surprise them. I was worried about testing at home, then getting to their house in time for them to see the word “Pregnant” before it disappeared.

I bought the test and then peed in a small Tupperware container (with a tight-fitting lid, of course!). I told my IPs that I was going to be in their neighborhood and had something for them and wanted to drop it off. I parked my car several blocks away from their house, then using the urine that I’d brought along in the container, I did the digital test in the car.  (Yes, ewwwww, but what else is a surrogate on a mission supposed to do?!? Let’s call me hormone-crazed, shall we? I will own up to that.)

Once the word “Pregnant” appeared, I put the test in a paper bag and drove the remaining few blocks to my IPs house. When I got there, I casually handed them the bag and let them see the results for themselves (needless to say, they were thrilled).

Surrogacy #5

This surrogacy was for the same set of IPs as Surrogacy #4 and I didn’t have any particular plan in mind for how to tell them. I had gotten my first light positive HPT four days after the transfer. On the morning of the fifth day, I woke up very early (it was just before 5am) to use the bathroom, and decided to do another test, which was also positive. I went back to bed but was too excited to fall back asleep, so I grabbed my laptop, took it into bed with me, and checked my email.

A few minutes after 5am, my IM sent me an email asking me how I felt. For a split second I considered not answering her right away and playing it cool until I came up with a good idea for how to tell them. But I was kind of struck by the coincidence that we were both online at this crazy early hour. We had grown close from our previous surrogacy, and I thought there was something kind of cool to surprising her not only a super quick reply at this hour, but with a the positive results.

So I snapped a picture of the test and replied to her with it, and as you can imagine, she was quite surprised, and of course, delighted. It really was a great way to start the day!

Surrogacy #6

This was the only one of my surrogacies that I carried for a set of intended fathers and I really wasn’t sure what would be meaningful to them. By then I was making a lot of quilts, both large and small, so I decided to make them a small, original art quilt for the wall that was surrogacy-inspired with modern-looking positive signs on it.

I hadn’t yet been to their house when I made it, so I took my best guess on colors. I wrapped it up and brought it to them one evening but one of them wasn’t home, so I left it there for them to open together later. I also enclosed a positive pregnancy test (sealed in a plastic bag, of course!) to spill the beans.  When they called me later that night to thank me, they admired the quilt but didn’t know what to make of the pregnancy test – they had never seen one before! (and that possibility had never occurred to me – whoops!). Once I explained what the test meant and why I’d designed the quilt the way I did, they were thrilled of course.

Surrogacy #7

This time I also made my intended parents a small quilt, but it was a more traditional design that was covered in plus signs. Because they lived almost 2 hours away from me, I had to overnight it to them (and I also enclosed a pregnancy test with it). When they called me to tell me they’d received it, they were over the moon with excitement – they knew what it meant right away!

I think many intended parents find out the results of the transfer from their fertility center – that’s probably the norm unless the surrogate is doing tests at home and she tells them (and obviously I did, I couldn’t resist). For me it was a really fun, creative, and personal way of sharing a very special moment – so much better than them getting a call from a nurse, in my opinion (no offense to nurses of course – news that you’re expecting a baby is great no matter who it comes from).

Coming up with really personal ways to share the good news was always a highlight of my surrogacy experiences, something I really had fun with and something I hope my intended parents remember for a long time!

Scenes from My Surrogacies - A Memoir in the Making

Even though I wasn’t yet discharged, I was showered and dressed and ready to leave. I met my 13-year old daughter Aster downstairs in the hospital lobby and brought her upstairs with me; thankfully, the pediatrician had not yet come by to discharge the baby. Apparently he was running late.

I spent the next hour and a half in a hazy dream state, watching my own youngest child drink in the intoxicating newness of the baby I’d just birthed.

She held him.

She fed him.

She soothed him.

She changed his diaper, and she rocked him.

And after the doctor came by and declared us all fit to leave, she ever-so-carefully dressed him to go home.

It was a sight I never expected to see – not that I’d been hoping to see it, I hadn’t really given it much thought until that point. But it’s one that’s stayed with me as one of the highlights of my surrogacy experiences.

My intended parents had always very generous toward me – they loved to spoil me with wonderful gifts and thoughtful cards – but in my mind and in my heart, there was nothing more generous than them giving us that special time between their newborn son and my youngest daughter.

There was nothing greater they could have given me than the gift of this important role in getting their baby ready to go home with them.

And there was nothing more thoughtful than giving us this lovely transition of this beautiful baby, grown under my heart, moving from our family, our care – for nine months – into theirs, forever.

Enjoying a Little Privacy in the Hospital After Your Surrogate Mother Delivers Your Baby

In my last blog post I wrote about all of my various birth experiences and the different ways my intended parents and I shared the time immediately following the birth of their baby (or babies when I had twins).

In some cases we shared a room, while in others we didn’t. I had six hospital births and three of those times the parents, baby and I all shared a room for the duration of our stay in the hospital.

I also had one homebirth, which was at my intended parents’ house. I labored and delivered in their upstairs loft, which had a sitting room, a bathroom, and a bedroom. After the birth I spent a few days there with them at their house, which was a lovely and unique experience (homebirths are very uncommon in surrogacy but my intended parents requested it, since I’d already had a successful homebirth of my own).

I had my own room upstairs, while my IPs, their daughter and their newborn hung out downstairs. I was nursing their baby so we spent most of the daytime together. The baby slept with them, but during the night they’d bring her to me to nurse. It was the best of both worlds in terms of privacy and togetherness.

I delivered twins in my first surrogacy. The first twin was an easy, unmedicated vaginal water birth in the hospital and the second twin was an emergency c-section. The parents and I were not close and they chose not to stay in the hospital once their babies were born (and the intended father didn’t attend the birth at all).

I’d lost a lot of blood during and after the delivery, so I was heavily medicated and slept a lot for the few days – I could barely sit up at that point. My intended mother brought the babies to my room twice to visit, but she wasn’t very comfortable with the whole situation. When the babies were discharged, I still couldn’t walk very far so a nurse took me in a wheelchair to the floor where the babies were so I could say goodbye to them.

This was my first surrogacy and it was a difficult experience, but I knew even then that the distance and discomfort that my intended parents showed was not typical, and I was determined to have a better experience next time.

Had I had an easy, uncomplicated delivery and recovery I think it would have been very hard for me to be separated from the babies so much of the time – I may have struggled with that. But sometimes things work out in strange ways and it turned out that I really did need privacy and quiet for those first few days that were so physically difficult for me.  It was not the experience that I wanted, but it definitely was the arrangement that I needed that time.

During my sixth surrogacy I carried a single baby for a gay couple and I enjoyed a quick delivery and an easy recovery. They asked me to nurse the baby until we were discharged from the hospital, which I was happy to do.

The baby was born around 5am and when the evening came, one of my intended fathers went home and the other stayed in his own room in the hospital.  Because I was nursing the baby, she stayed in the room with me. It was a bit of a rough night – she was inconsolable at one point for hours and I couldn’t figure out why, and she barely slept at all. I nursed her, I rocked her, I walked around the room with her, I sang to her. I tried everything.

One thing that I didn’t do was call my intended father down the hall, because I was sure he was sleeping. I’d called them around midnight the previous night letting them know I was in labor and they hadn’t slept since, so I knew he was exhausted. Frankly I was exhausted too – I hadn’t slept much either and I was the one who’d delivered the baby – but the chance to hold and soothe and rock and nurse a sweet newborn was very fleeting for me, and I relished it.

Come morning I was truly exhausted, but honestly I wouldn’t have changed a thing. It was a very special time for my surrogate baby and I and I’m thankful for that long night we spent together, which was also our last night together.

In my final surrogacy, the parents and I enjoyed a very warm, wonderfulexperience. So as our due date drew near and they contacted the hospital to arrange for their own room for our stay, I was a little taken aback. I had a hard time thinking about them and their baby being apart from me, especially when we had grown so close, and they knew I’d shared a room with several of my previous intended parents.

But you know what? That hospital stay ended up being a terrific experience for me, and it was terrific for them as well. I spent a lot of time during the day hanging out with them in their room, but I really enjoyed sleeping through the night in my own room. That was especially nice!

My intended parents had a very difficult experience with the surrogate who delivered their first child and were a bit traumatized by the whole thing, so their time immediately after their first son’s birth was not a good one. I’m sure that factored into their desire to have some privacy, even though our relationship was good.

Also, their first son was 18 months at the time I delivered and he didn’t come to the hospital with them. So the time they spent alone with their newborn son was fleeting, and I was happy for them to get to have a few days getting to know him while enjoying a little bit of privacy.

Again, it wasn’t the situation I initially wanted, but I absolutely believe that it was an arrangement that worked out beautifully for all of us, despite my misgivings.

If I had to make plans for another delivery (which I don’t, I’m very firmly retired from pregnancy and childbirth!), I honestly don’t know which arrangement I’d choose. There were good things and not-so-good things about each of the situations I had, just like anything in life, I suppose.

Rarely is anything perfect, but it’s what you make of the arrangements you’ve got that really matters, and in the case of a surrogate delivery, any arrangement involves a bit of magic, and hopefully a lot of great memories as well. 

Are You Considering Sharing a Hospital Room With Your Surrogate Mother?

You might wonder what it’s like for a surrogate mother to share a hospital room with her intended parents and her surrogate baby once the birth is over. Is it awkward? Crowded? Natural? Uncomfortable?  Well, based on my experience I can sum it up for you in one word – magical. But sharing a room is only one of many options.

I’ve had seven different surrogate birth experiences and each of them has been very unique from the others:

In my first surrogacy, I had twins. The parents did not stay at the hospital and the babies stayed in the nursery.

In my second surrogacy, I had twins and the parents, the two babies and I all shared one (very crowded, but joyous) room.

In my third surrogacy, the parents and the baby all stayed in my room.

In my fourth surrogacy, we had a homebirth at the parents’ house. I gave birth in their loft guest bedroom, and stayed there for a few days after the birth. The baby slept downstairs with her parents, though they brought her to me to nurse and we spent much of our time during the day together.

In my fifth surrogacy, we had a stillborn baby in the hospital (she was sick and we all knew she would pass) and we spent all of our time after the birth in the room together.

In my sixth surrogacy, the baby stayed in the room with me the whole time, though the parents didn’t stay at the hospital.

In my seventh surrogacy, the parents and the baby had their own room across the hall from mine.

So just as you might say about surrogacy itself, no two of my post-birth arrangements were alike – each was a very unique experience and seemed just perfect at the time. Though truth be told, I wanted to share a room with my surrogate baby and intended parents every time, even though it didn’t work out that way.

Although I never had any desire in the least to keep or even significantly bond with any of the surrogate children I carried, I was eager to hold and get to know them “on the outside” and sharing a room easily facilitated that.

But as eager as I was to spend time with the newborn I’d just given birth to, I was even more eager to watch the couple I had just carried a baby for grow into a family during those first few days.  This is really the most satisfying part - after having such an intimate relationship with the baby for the past nine months, feeling every kick, hiccup and roll, watching my intended parents discover their baby for the first day or so is incredibly satisfying and it feels like such a natural transition after the birth.

Is it restful for me? No, not in the least. The hospital rooms are usually small, the nurses are cycling in and out both day and night checking on me and the baby, and there’s a lot of commotion. It’s anything but restful, honestly.

But the truth is, I’m going home in a day or so to a quiet house – I will not have the needs of a newborn consuming me day and night. I can sleep as much as I’d like for the next several days, so losing sleep for the first couple of days is really a small concession, one I’m more than happy to make, and one that comes with great emotional rewards.

In fact I don’t really view it as a concession anyway, I see it as a gift and I’ve always been honored that my intended parents wanted to share this time with me. I can’t imagine a higher compliment, that they’re willing to share this fleeting and intimate time with me is incredibly special.

I don’t know if sharing a room during the hospital stay is common not – I’ve heard of several different arrangements (and obviously I’ve had several different arrangements myself).  For me, sharing a room is a lovely conclusion to the surrogacy experience, and one you might explore with your surrogate mother if it’s something you’re open to.

In my next blog post I’ll share what it was like not to share a room with my intended parents and the reasons that we didn’t. But I’ll give you a hint – it was also a pretty nice experience! 

The Key to a Successful Surrogacy Experience

Back in college, I took a health class that had a section on relationships. The professor talked a lot about marriage and life partnerships during that part of the course. On the very final day, as the very last thing he said to the class as we were packing up to leave the big lecture hall, he offered us his last bit of advice. In fact he said that if we remembered just one thing from not only that course, but from all four years of college, it was this:

Select and don’t settle.

Though I don’t remember the name of the professor or the name of the course (let alone much from any other course I took those four years), I did take that one statement to heart. It’s guided me through all of my years since then, and I often silently thank that nameless professor from way-back-when.

But that same statement also left me wondering about something related. I understood the difference between selecting and settling, but what about making the wrong selection? What accounts for poor judgment? Whether it’s choosing a mate that’s hopelessly unsuitable, or taking a job that’s a bad fit, or making bad situational decisions, it’s not enough to actively decide on a course of action. We can actively choose something and yet it still might be a poor choice.

Then the key to success hit me.

In order to succeed at anything, we must chart our course of action and make decisions not only with the facts of the situation, but based on deep self-knowledge and awareness of ourselves.

It’s for this reason that I decided to create a journal to accompany my Successful Surrogacy book. While I can offer you plenty of information and share my experiences with you, only you know what’s most important to you, what you’re looking for, or what you’re apprehensive about.

Contrary to popular belief, the decision to use a gestational carrier isn’t always a difficult one. For many couples wishing to have their own genetic child, it’s a welcome, or possibly the only, solution to their infertility issues. It can be a very positive step forward.

But that doesn’t mean that it’s always an easy step forward.

Everyone involved in the process is human and we all come into it with our best intentions, but we also have our own unique backgrounds, perspectives, and preferences. There are, of course, plenty of checks and balances built into the surrogacy matching process (psychological screenings, social worker meetings, medical screenings, etc.), but they’re mainly aimed at ensuring that your prospective surrogate mother is physically and mentally fit to be a gestational carriers.

But what about you, as intended parents? 

Are you entering into your surrogacy arrangement with clarity and confidence? Do you have a strong sense of the kind of experience you’d like to have with your surrogate mother? Do you know what’s most important to you about the surrogacy? (other than a healthy baby, naturally) How do you feel about establishing and sustaining a very intimate relationship with the woman acting as your gestational carrier? Or do you shy away from that thought?

Of course there are no right or wrong answers to these questions, and the myriad of other questions pertaining to surrogacy. There are only the answers that are right for you.

Knowing these answers is what puts you on the right track, because self-awareness is the key to success.

By taking the time to work through the questions I pose in Successful Surrogacy and the accompanying journal, you will be well on your way creating what might be the most exciting and rewarding experience of your lifetime.

Successful Surrogacy: An Intended Parents’ Guide to a Rewarding Relationship With Their Surrogate Mother is now available on Amazon in both print and digital formats and comes with an illustrated, companion journal. It's a one-of-a-kind resource for intended parents or those who want to know more about surrogacy, or have loved ones or friends going through surrogacy.  Get your copy today! 

Finding a Gestational Surrogacy Match – My Experience Working with Agencies and Going Independently

Intended parents often fall distinctly into one camp or another – those who are comfortable seeking a surrogate mother only through an agency, and those who prefer to find one independently. In my book “Surrogacy Success: An Intended Parents’ Guide to a Rewarding Relationship With Their Surrogate Mother” I discuss some of the reasons that intended parents opt to go through an agency or opt to search independently, but what about surrogate mothers? What motivates them to sign on to an agency or decide to seek an independent match?

The Motivations of Surrogate Mothers

Much the same as intended parents, surrogate mothers are motivated by a variety of factors and have their own set of preferences. Some women find comfort in an agency doing all of the searching and screening for them with the knowledge that any potential couple they meet with is serious and able to proceed should they agree to work together.  Also the process of listing online classified ads or replying to ads posted by potential intended parents can be very tedious and time-consuming with a lot of information to keep track of.

Surrogacy also requires a lot of paperwork and legal forms and an agency usually manages this for both the intended parents and surrogate mothers. For a surrogate mother, an agency streamlines the whole process from start to finish, from making an initial match with intended parents through the final post-birth paperwork. And if an agency can’t take care of any part of the legal paperwork, they will refer you to someone who can.

Why Don’t All Surrogates Use an Agency?

So why don’t all surrogates sign on with agencies, if it makes things easier for them? Again, the reasons are varied. Some surrogate mothers enjoy the searching and screening of intended parents and have the time to devote to it. Others are sensitive to the costs that an agency adds to the process and are willing to match with intended parents independently in order to make surrogacy more affordable for infertile couples. And in some cases, a surrogate may have been turned down by one or more agencies but she still feels able to successfully carry, so she seeks an independent match.

My Agency and Independent Experiences

When I was pursuing my first surrogacy as a woman new to the whole process, I was much more comfortable with the idea of using an agency and did not consider an independent arrangement until I’d completed several surrogacies. Even then I ended up using agencies six out of my seven times. To give you insight into my thoughts and decisions that guided my agency and independent surrogacy experiences, I’ve detailed each of my surrogacy experiences here for you.

Surrogacy #1 – Agency #1

I used a local agency for my first surrogacy and had a good experience with the process. I met with the agency head for my initial screening and for her to get to know me so she could find the best match. I appreciated having someone lead me through all the steps of a surrogacy arrangement, from the medical screening to the psychological assessment to the legal advising.

Although I had not experienced surrogacy before, I knew that I wanted to be matched with a local couple to share the experience with. Because I live in a large urban area, the agency had a lot of local couples waiting to be matched, so this was easy to accomplish (and it probably would have been much more difficult should I have chosen to find a couple independently).

The owner matched me with local intended parents and we had a successful pregnancy. The owner of the agency arranged everything and prepared all the papers for us so all we had to do was sign them. Medically and administratively, it was a very simple process and one I would not have known how to negotiate on my own.

Surrogacy #2 – Agency #1

My first surrogacy experience was not as rewarding as I had hoped – I wanted a close, loving relationship but the couple preferred something more distant and cool.  Once I was medically cleared to carry again, I contacted the agency to match me with a new couple to carry for. The owner knew how disappointed I was with my first experience, and quickly matched me with a couple who had the same relationship expectations as I did. It was a wonderful experience and administratively smooth and easy.

Surrogacy #3 – Agency #1

My third surrogacy was much the same as the second – I was matched with wonderful intended parents and we had a smooth, rewarding experience. I used the same fertility office, Shady Grove Fertility Center, for my first three surrogacies.

Surrogacy #4 – Agency #1

By this time I trusted my agency to make good matches for me, and it was always quick and easy. I would decide when I wanted to carry again and just give the agency a call, and usually within a few weeks I would have a meeting set up with a set of intended parents. For my fourth surrogacy, though, I was no longer eligible to use Shady Grove Fertility Center – they considered me too high risk having had six previous pregnancies and two c-sections (although I had a vaginal birth in surrogacy #3 and had medical clearance from my OB to carry again).

Therefore, this time my agency had to find a couple to match me with who used a fertility center that would accept me, and luckily she had just such a couple. They used Dominion Fertility and I was cleared by them to carry. I had another successful pregnancy and delivery.

Surrogacy #5 – Agency #1 (but almost not)

This surrogacy was for the same couple as my fourth one, so we discussed the option of handling all the paperwork ourselves because there was no matching or screening to be done. When the couple decided they wanted us to begin a second surrogacy together, we met with Dominion Fertility ourselves. This time we did not get the automatic green light – Dominion now considered me high risk to carry because I’d had seven prior pregnancies, which was above their limit for pregnancy history. But because I’d carried for this couple previously and the RE knew and trusted my OB (my OB had delivered our RE’s children – so we definitely had that in our favor!), he granted us clearance to proceed.

The couple elected to go back to the agency and have them take care of the escrow and all the usual paperwork rather than handling it all themselves (I was comfortable with them paying me directly, as we had developed a very close relationship).  They felt it would be smoother and safer to pay the agency do everything, which was also fine with me.

Surrogacy #6 – Agency #2 (after some independent false starts)

When I was ready to carry again, I contacted my agency to see if they were able to match me, knowing that because I’d had eight prior pregnancies, it would not be easy or even feasible this time. The owner emailed me back saying that she didn’t know of any local fertility center that would accept me, but she would check with one possibility.
She sent them my medical records and they apparently rejected me. She wrote me an email saying as much, stating that “they won’t accept you into their program - it looks like you’re done.”

I’ll be honest, that stung quite a bit.

It wasn’t being told that the fertility center wouldn’t take me on that bothered me so much as the way the news was delivered. After providing five successful surrogacy experiences for the agency’s clients and them making tens of thousands of dollars from me carrying, I felt that I deserved a little more courtesy than an abrupt email stating “looks like you’re done.”

This really bothered me, but it did not deter me.

I knew that there were other fertility centers that might accept me (and again, I had medical clearance from my OB to carry again), so I began an independent search. I emailed with many couples and spoke at length with three different ones, none of which worked out as a good match for various reasons.

I knew a woman who was now running her own surrogacy agency and contacted her for advice. Although she shared the concern of finding a fertility center that would accept me, she felt the chances were good. She asked for my medical records and sent them to a few places, one of which was the exact same fertility center than the previous agency had supposedly tried.

Upon reviewing my outstanding pregnancy and delivery history, they immediately accepted me. The new agency matched me with one couple that seemed a good prospect and we had plans to talk by phone, but on the day the call was scheduled, the couple backed out, saying they were concerned about my age (I was 42 at the time). I was rematched with another local couple, we hit it off, and I successfully carried again.

Surrogacy #7 – Independent

I was planning to carry again for my previous couple, but they weren’t sure they wanted another child. In the mean time, a local surrogate friend introduced me to a couple she had known for years who needed a surrogate mother and desperately needed a good experience (there’s a plot twist here!).

This couple had their first child through a surrogate and used my Agency #2. However, the agency did not do a thorough background check on their surrogate mother and didn’t know she had a legal judgment pending against her. While she was pregnant with the couple’s child, she went to jail (I can’t even imagine!).

The pregnancy ended with the successful and healthy delivery of their son, but the couple was angry, hurt, and bewildered over their experience with their surrogate mother and the agency. They wanted another child, but didn’t feel they could trust anyone.

Our mutual friend put us in touch with one another, we met, and we hit it off. They were a very lovely couple and they felt comfortable with my wide range of experiences (they were reassured by that, no doubt). They were not exactly local to me – they lived about 2 hours away – but they worked with a very open-minded fertility doctor who was happy to have me carry for them based on my medical history.

Because they’d been let down by their agency before, and because we both had been through surrogacy already, and because we had a mutual surrogate friend who we’d both known for years and trusted, we all felt comfortable with an independent arrangement. We hired attorneys to draw up and review the contracts, an escrow agent to handle the funds, and another attorney to handle the birth-related paperwork, and thankfully everything went off without a hitch.

With Experience Comes Knowledge

I feel grateful to have had good experiences with both my agency and independent matches, yet I also feel grateful to have a glimpse into some of the downsides of both types of surrogacy arrangements. I’m acutely aware that there is no one-size-fits-all solution and both types of arrangements can succeed or fail.

While I used an agency for the majority of my surrogacy arrangements and was generally happy with that, I know many surrogate mothers who only work independently – it’s just what they’re most comfortable with and what works the best for them.  And truthfully, my independently arranged surrogacy was no more work for me than my previous agency-arranged surrogacy, and was equally rewarding.

When asked for off-the-cuff advice on how to find a surrogate, I always tell people to research agencies first, and then if they feel an agency is unaffordable or they’re looking for more control over the process, they should look at independent options.

Although there is a wealth of information available online about how to find a surrogate mother and execute a surrogacy arrangements, it really is a personal process. Deciding which path to take boils down to your comfort level in the process, your level of trust in your gut to ask important questions and make important decisions, and your time availability and skill to manage what can be a complicated and emotional process.

There is no path that’s universally right for each couple and surrogate, but being fully informed about the process is the most valuable first step. 

A New Office and a New Website

After years of wishing for this chair, my family surprised me with it for my birthday in early August. I have spent hours and hours and hours in it since then, getting so much work done! I call it my office (phone, notebook, coffee all nearby, it's totally an office!)

I have spent a lot of time this week swinging in my new deck chair and thinking and editing and stressing and wishing things were less overwhelming than they were at the moment. I am finally breathing a sigh of relief today (and the gorgeous, warm-but-not-hot weather definitely helps). Seriously, I don’t know what I would have done without my newchair - it has been my number one productivity tool and stress reduction strategy!

It still feels weird to say to people that I have a book coming out, even though it’s consumed me for the past many months.  The funny thing is that if you had asked me back in, say, January or February if I envisioned writing a book this year, I maybe might have said yes (maybe), but I’m not absolutely sure. I did have a couple of projects brewing in the back of my mind, two books in fact, but neither of them were the book I ended up writing. I have heard though that books can be fickle like that - sometimes you think you’re writing one book but something completely unexpected comes out. I can vouch for that fact!

My book was finished months ago - it was getting a whole new website up - this very website right here - that was this week’s seemingly impossible project. Because in these days and times, writing a book is actually the very easy part of the process, and as it turns out, really the tip of the iceberg. There is so much else that goes on to support the marketing and selling of the book. My website may be up and running now but my head is still spinning with everything else I need in order to launch the book - Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Smashwords, Goodreads, Amazon, oy!  

So about the book!  It’s called “Surrogacy Success: An Intended Parents’ Guide to Developing a Rewarding Relationship With Their Intended Mother” and it’s a real labor of love. 

It’s soooo pretty, right? As soon as I laid eyes on it I squealed to my designer (who conveniently also happens to be my husband) “I LOVE it! It’s perfect!” I really really LOVE it!” and I absolutely do. Doesn’t it look inviting? In the sea of Amazon books that pop up from a search, I think this one will really stand out and draw attention in a positive way (‘cause take my word for it, there are A LOT of books on Amazon that draw attention in a not-so-positive way, holy moly!)

“Surrogacy Success” is a guidebook for couples who are considering surrogacy, couples who are currently engaged in surrogacy, and friends and family who want to better understand surrogacy so they can support their loved ones. It’s a surrogate’s perspective of the whole surrogacy process, from considering a surrogate arrangement all the way through the birth and beyond. Heck, it could also be a great resource for a woman considering becoming a surrogate mother herself. 

And now I have dates that it goes up for sale, gulp! It will be on Amazon for pre-sale next week on Friday, September 4 (ohmygosh!) and it will officially launch on Sunday, September 27.  I know there is some logic to those dates - a book launch on a Sunday? But the publishing consultant I’m working with assures me that’s a wise thing to do, so I trust her, because she’s been a fantastic advisor so far. 

To support this book I have this brand new website. It’s called Surrogacy by Design because I wanted to keep it in the family so to speak (because I’ve had another website called Fuller by Design for years, and I still do), and I think that name does the trick of linking the two sites. Plus it speaks to what I write a lot about - thinking through your choices, your options, really considering things in order to make the best decisions possible. That’s what the message is at the core of my “Surrogacy Success” book- this is your experience, so take control of it with plenty of reflection and considered communication. 

It’s an exciting new venture to start blogging here, one I’m really invigorated to take on. And I’d like this to be a partnership of sorts - much like surrogacy, which is the ultimate partnership. If you have ideas for topics you’d like to see me blog about, whether they’re general surrogacy topics or specific aspects from my own experience, I’d love to hear from you. I want this site to serve you, and I can only do that if you tell me what you’d like to read. 

So please be in touch! You can email me at any time at surrogacybydesign (at) gmail.com and I promise to write back!.